Oops a daisy I have forgot all about my blog of late.
Not that much to post though as having a major shitty time of it,
Xmas and new year went ok although suffered badly over xmas. I ventured out with hubby and the bloody electric chair on new years eve. Lord did I suffer but it was nice to have a night out with friends.
I got a beautiful pandora bracelet and lovely charms off hubby for our wedding anniversary.
Me, I am still having vision problems, muscle spasms where I should not have them and problems with my bladder. (I cant pee enough in one day to do those stupid 24 hr water tests) The tests are on hold until I can pee enough as I still have 4 bottles to fill. I only go two sometimes 3 times a day and then only a little as my muscles start to spasm and I stop.
My vision still keeps going blurry and the pins and needles in my extremities is getting worse. I have docs on Monday with the good doctor so am going to politely (cough cough) insist she sends me to see a Neurologist for further tests. I want to rule out MS, it sounds silly but have been reading up on it and I have all the symptoms but have found out that a large majority of sufferers are told it is FM for years until they get the right tests and suddenly find out it is MS. Doc thinks it might be Myasthenia Gravis cos of my eyes and the fact they have drooped as well but I dont think it is. I know how I feel and what symptoms I have so I will be seeing a Neuorologist whether she thinks I should or not. It isobviously a problem in my brain somewhere as too many parts are affected. My eyes being the scariest.
Doc is trying me on Gabapentin which is crap. I cant take Morphine whilst on it and am in complete agony all the time. Now the Morphine has stopped I am having spasms in one of my legs that last for about 10 days so far without relaxing. It is more like spasticity than a spasm.
Apart from that everything is just great lol.
Wednesday, 11 January 2012
Sunday, 11 December 2011
A Bad time of it
Well in my Fibro fog, I totally forgot about this blog again. Not a happy post from me today as feeling really down.
Normally at xmas time I am the one rushing around buying and wrapping pressies, doing all the food shopping, decorating the tree and the house but this year I have had to sit and wait for others to do it for me. I hate it, I feel like a waste of space. All I seem to be able to do is sit ont he sofa or in bed and ask others to do the simplest of things for me, like get a drink, make a sandwich, help me up etc etc etc. I even sit there dying for a drink (I get dehydrated very quickly due to the severe sweating) as I dont want to have to ask someone yet again.
I hate my life. People say "you will get used to it". "it takes time to adjust" etc, but that is pure bullshit. I dont want to get used to being like this and I cannot see how anyone would. I am unable to do the simplest of chores, I cant pop to the shop and I cant even have a drink when I want. I am useless. Who on earth would want to accept this as their life???
I want ME back. I used to be vibrant, full of life, going out all the time, a right party girl. Now I am a lump that does nothing but pop pills, moan and make everyone Else's life just that bit harder as they now have to do everything for me.
Its not fair. I have led a fairly good life, I am sure I dont deserve this. In fact I know I dont. Why I got it and not some sick rapist or child abuser makes life seem so wrong. This is why I do not believe in God any longer. I am sick of hearing he works in mysterious ways. They say if you follow his word you will be rewarded and the sinners shall be punished. Yeah right,,,, I am being punished for sins I have not committed. SO as far as I am concerned if there is a god he can shove it up his arse. I am sorry if this offend those who do believe but I am entitled to my own opinion. This is my life and me suffering every moment of it so I have the right to no longer believe in him.
I am back on Morphine but it is doing no good what so ever, so it looks as if I will have to up the dosage when I see the Doc tomorrow. Nothing I try helps. Hydrotherapy, physio, pill after pill, I am up to 40+ pills a day now and still no relief from the pain. The spasms are the worst part. When they start nothing eases them and the pain is horrific.
Seriously, If I was a selfish person I would have ended my life by now, I just would never do that to my family as it is them that would be damaged by it and spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty. If I had no family by now I would have terminated my life as no one should have to endure this.
I am one of the unlucky ones who does not get pain here or there but has it everywhere all the time. It does not end. Now my vision is starting to get worse and I have periods of time when I cannot see anything at all except a fuzzy dark blur. It is so scary. My doc does not have a clue what is going on and does not seem that worried about finding out either. I have seen the Endocrinologist but they dont have a clue what it could be but are checking me for adrenal tumours etc.
Some of my symptoms are Fibro, some I know are CFS (my doc does not know anything about CFS) and some can be put down to something else. I have searched online and come up with Sarcoidosis (All the symptoms are what the doc has listed for me) so I can at least get her to check for that and hopefully rule it out.
My finger nail beds have turned pure white. I have no pink there at all, and I am not anaemic so that points to liver or kidney problems so back to square one on that one.
The costo is killing me and my whole rib cage feels as if it is being squashed.
God I just read this back and I sound suicidal. I am not. I assure you, I am just having a bad week and have had enough of feeling like this. Its xmas which is normally my favourite time of year but this year I am realising how much I have lost.
Hopefully by my next blog I will be feeling a bit better and therefor happier, I just have to hope I make some headway with the doc and my pills. Fingers crossed.
For new Fibro suffers who read this, dont panic and assume you will end up like me, Some people have very few symptoms, some have pain in different places and that pain moves around and some are like me. If you are not like me now then you probably will never be as it does not get worse it stays roughly that same except for the flare up which just emphasise the pain.
To all my Fibro friends I wish you the happiest xmas you can have and a relatively pain free time with lots of rest and plenty of sleep and some fun thrown in too.
Normally at xmas time I am the one rushing around buying and wrapping pressies, doing all the food shopping, decorating the tree and the house but this year I have had to sit and wait for others to do it for me. I hate it, I feel like a waste of space. All I seem to be able to do is sit ont he sofa or in bed and ask others to do the simplest of things for me, like get a drink, make a sandwich, help me up etc etc etc. I even sit there dying for a drink (I get dehydrated very quickly due to the severe sweating) as I dont want to have to ask someone yet again.
I hate my life. People say "you will get used to it". "it takes time to adjust" etc, but that is pure bullshit. I dont want to get used to being like this and I cannot see how anyone would. I am unable to do the simplest of chores, I cant pop to the shop and I cant even have a drink when I want. I am useless. Who on earth would want to accept this as their life???
I want ME back. I used to be vibrant, full of life, going out all the time, a right party girl. Now I am a lump that does nothing but pop pills, moan and make everyone Else's life just that bit harder as they now have to do everything for me.
Its not fair. I have led a fairly good life, I am sure I dont deserve this. In fact I know I dont. Why I got it and not some sick rapist or child abuser makes life seem so wrong. This is why I do not believe in God any longer. I am sick of hearing he works in mysterious ways. They say if you follow his word you will be rewarded and the sinners shall be punished. Yeah right,,,, I am being punished for sins I have not committed. SO as far as I am concerned if there is a god he can shove it up his arse. I am sorry if this offend those who do believe but I am entitled to my own opinion. This is my life and me suffering every moment of it so I have the right to no longer believe in him.
I am back on Morphine but it is doing no good what so ever, so it looks as if I will have to up the dosage when I see the Doc tomorrow. Nothing I try helps. Hydrotherapy, physio, pill after pill, I am up to 40+ pills a day now and still no relief from the pain. The spasms are the worst part. When they start nothing eases them and the pain is horrific.
Seriously, If I was a selfish person I would have ended my life by now, I just would never do that to my family as it is them that would be damaged by it and spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty. If I had no family by now I would have terminated my life as no one should have to endure this.
I am one of the unlucky ones who does not get pain here or there but has it everywhere all the time. It does not end. Now my vision is starting to get worse and I have periods of time when I cannot see anything at all except a fuzzy dark blur. It is so scary. My doc does not have a clue what is going on and does not seem that worried about finding out either. I have seen the Endocrinologist but they dont have a clue what it could be but are checking me for adrenal tumours etc.
Some of my symptoms are Fibro, some I know are CFS (my doc does not know anything about CFS) and some can be put down to something else. I have searched online and come up with Sarcoidosis (All the symptoms are what the doc has listed for me) so I can at least get her to check for that and hopefully rule it out.
My finger nail beds have turned pure white. I have no pink there at all, and I am not anaemic so that points to liver or kidney problems so back to square one on that one.
The costo is killing me and my whole rib cage feels as if it is being squashed.
God I just read this back and I sound suicidal. I am not. I assure you, I am just having a bad week and have had enough of feeling like this. Its xmas which is normally my favourite time of year but this year I am realising how much I have lost.
Hopefully by my next blog I will be feeling a bit better and therefor happier, I just have to hope I make some headway with the doc and my pills. Fingers crossed.
For new Fibro suffers who read this, dont panic and assume you will end up like me, Some people have very few symptoms, some have pain in different places and that pain moves around and some are like me. If you are not like me now then you probably will never be as it does not get worse it stays roughly that same except for the flare up which just emphasise the pain.
To all my Fibro friends I wish you the happiest xmas you can have and a relatively pain free time with lots of rest and plenty of sleep and some fun thrown in too.
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