A Bad time of it

Well in my Fibro fog, I totally forgot about this blog again.  Not a happy post from me today as feeling really down. 
Normally at xmas time I am the one rushing around buying and wrapping pressies, doing all the food shopping, decorating the tree and the house but this year I have had to sit and wait for others to do it for me.  I hate it, I feel like a waste of space.  All I seem to be able to do is sit ont he sofa or in bed and ask others to do the simplest of things for me, like get a drink, make a sandwich, help me up etc etc etc.  I even sit there dying for a drink (I get dehydrated very quickly due to the severe sweating) as I dont want to have to ask someone yet again.

I hate my life.  People say "you will get used to it". "it takes time to adjust" etc, but that is pure bullshit.  I dont want to get used to being like this and I cannot see how anyone would.  I am unable to do the simplest of chores, I cant pop to the shop and I cant even have a drink when I want.  I am useless.  Who on earth would want to accept this as their life???

I want ME back.  I used to be vibrant, full of life, going out all the time, a right party girl.  Now I am a lump that does nothing but pop pills, moan and make everyone Else's life just that bit harder as they now have to do everything for me.

Its not fair.  I have led a fairly good life, I am sure I dont deserve this.  In fact I know I dont.  Why I got it and not some sick rapist or child abuser makes life seem so wrong.  This is why I do not believe in God any longer.  I am sick of hearing he works in mysterious ways.  They say if you follow his word you will be rewarded and the sinners shall be punished.  Yeah right,,,, I am being punished for sins I have not committed. SO as far as I am concerned if there is a god he can shove it up his arse.  I am sorry if this offend those who do believe but I am entitled to my own opinion.  This is my life and me suffering every moment of it so I have the right to no longer believe in him.

I am back on Morphine but it is doing no good what so ever, so it looks as if I will have to up the dosage when I see the Doc tomorrow.   Nothing I try helps.  Hydrotherapy, physio, pill after pill, I am up to 40+ pills a day now and still no relief from the pain.  The spasms are the worst part.  When they start nothing eases them and the pain is horrific. 

Seriously, If I was a selfish person I would have ended my life by now, I just would never do that to my family as it is them that would be damaged by it and spend the rest of their lives feeling guilty.  If I had no family by now I would have terminated my life as no one should have to endure this. 

I am one of the unlucky ones who does not get pain here or there but has it everywhere all the time. It does not end.  Now my vision is starting to get worse and I have periods of time when I cannot see anything at all except a fuzzy dark blur.  It is so scary.  My doc does not have a clue what is going on and does not seem that worried about finding out either.  I have seen the Endocrinologist but they dont have a clue what it could be but are checking me for adrenal tumours etc. 

Some of my symptoms are Fibro, some I know are CFS (my doc does not know anything about CFS) and some can be put down to something else.  I have searched online and come up with Sarcoidosis (All the symptoms are what the doc has listed for me) so I can at least get her to check for that and hopefully rule it out. 

My finger nail beds have turned pure white.  I have no pink there at all, and I am not anaemic so that points to liver or kidney problems so back to square one on that one. 

The costo is killing me and my whole rib cage feels as if it is being squashed.

God I just read this back and I sound suicidal.  I am not. I assure you, I am just having a bad week and have had enough of feeling like this.  Its xmas which is normally my favourite time of year but this year I am realising how much I have lost.

Hopefully by my next blog I will be feeling a bit better and therefor happier, I just have to hope I make some headway with the doc and my pills.  Fingers crossed.

For new Fibro suffers who read this, dont panic and assume you will end up like me, Some people have very few symptoms, some have pain in different places and that pain moves around and some are like me.  If you are not like me now then you probably will never be as it does not get worse it stays roughly that same except for the flare up which just emphasise the pain.

To all my Fibro friends I wish you the happiest xmas you can have and a relatively pain free time with lots of rest and plenty of sleep and some fun thrown in too.