BAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I have not blogged for a while as have been struggling a little.  My vision is getting to be more and more impaired and my Doc does not seem worried in the slightest.  In fact it is as if she has now given up and cant be bothered.  I am still having tests for my kidneys but apart from that it seems as if all the new symptoms that I know are not fibro are being put as fibro as it is easier to explain.
So it look sas if another argument is coming my way.  I am sick of fighting to find out what is wrong.

On the fibro front I have been in a massive flare for a while now.  Constant muscle spasms are driving me mad.  The pain is unbelievable.  I cant sleep, I am exhausted beyond anything I have ever felt before, I am struggling to do the most basic of things, like make a drink, have a wash as my arms hurt too much, I cant remember the last time I had a bath or shower as it is just no longer managable.  I could cry.  My hair is a total mess and I have massive roots but I just cant sit in a hairdressers chair for 3 or so hours.  So I am stuck looking like this.  I may even ask hubby to do my roots and hope for the best so I can at least sit on the sofa.

Went to the hospital to visit the Mothing in Law as she had a new knee fitted.  A nurse admired my pink crutches and asked how long I have them for and MIL replied forever.  Quite a shock when others realise you are disabled forever.  I keep hoping I will wake up one day and it will be gone.  I know its silly but day after day, night after night of pain just gets too much.
I cant go out very often as my wheelchair is too heavy for me to fold and put in my car.  I want a Luggie as they fold realy small and are really light but I dont have £2490 to spare.  I guess this is my life.  I have to get used to being either stuck in bed or stuck on the sofa.  Not much of a life is it.
Right now I am dying for a coffee but dont have the energy to get to the kitchen and cant lift the bloody kettle if I managed it. 
Do I want a change in my life..............Too bloody right but I will never get the change I want.
I keep saying I have to face it but the next day I start thinking what if it does go away.  Not very realistic but I suppose it is easier than admitting I am disabled for life.  This pain will never stop and I will never be able to function normally.  I will always have to rely on others to wash me, help me to the toilet, remind me to take my pills, help me in the night etc etc etc.  It would be nice if I could even make myself a sandwich as I am starving but I cant. 
I never realised what being disabled meant.  I never once thought about how hard it was for someone who is fully disabled to do things everyone takes for granted. Going to the loo, getting a drink or food, having a wash, combing their hair. eating even.  All things normal people can do and dont even think about yet for a disabled person it takes military planning to do any of that and thats assuming they can do it in the first place.
Its an awful life and one I would not wish on anyone (well maybe our government for a few weeks and those that decide disability benefits, cos if they lived like me they would soon change the way they decide benefits).
I will have my medical soon and if they even try to touch me I will be in tears as my skin cannot bare any contact at all. I wear a baggy bathrobe so there is as little contact with my skin as possible as it feels like it is burning.  Having someone poke me is going to be too much and I can see me getting very upset and losing my temper as I dont take pain well.
I probably wont be awarded benefits as it seems they turn just about everyone down the first time and I will have to appeal. I do not see why they dont just go on what the docs and the consultants and OTs and Physios have to say.  It would make life easier for us if we did not have NON medical people poking at us.