This is not who I want to be

Well I have now found out that apparently I have funny shaped legs. Thanks for telling me that, I feel so much better about myself. Seriously though, that is what my occupational therapist has told me when she went to fit me for my leg braces. So I now have to wait until next week to see which ones will fit me best.
I have now got the arm one and the elbow ones which go lovely with my stupid, ugly crutches, NOT.  At this rate I might as well just get into bondage as I am already so braced up I can hardly move. I am any bondage fetishes dream at the moment.

My daughter went home this morning, which has broken my heart as I know I wont be able to see her for a few months now. 
Well I finally got to sleep this morning at 6.30 am ish. What a long night. I could not find a position that did not leave me in pain.

I really wanted to get out of the house today. I dont care how much I hurt, I just fancied getting out whilst hubby is home. My suggestion of going for a nice lunch fell on deaf ears.  Its not as if he would be paying either.  He is just bloody boring.  I cant go out pubbing or clubbing for obvious reasons but I can manage a meal now and then. Him indoors though thinks this is too much effort for him.

All I want is to be able to do something normal now and then. So that I feel normal and not totally housebound but yet again, no.  Another day stuck indoors doing nothing but staring at the tv whilst he plays with his bloody Iphone.  I am bored, fed up and even though he is here I feel so alone.  He does not understand my need to feel like a normal person.  He thinks me getting arsey as he refuses to do anything I want to do is me being a pedantic child.  Ok crying just because he wont take me out is a little childish I admit but I cant help it.  I am so down at the moment. I am finding it hard to get out of the grief stage and on to the anger or acceptance stage.  I keep crying for what I cant do, which to be honest is just about everything.  With these arm braces and trough crutches even popping to the shop in my car is exhausting on my own.  Trying to get in and out with the crutches when you cant bend your arms is so hard and leaves me breathless.  So I find it easier not to go as he takes 5mins to get there buy what we need and get back it takes me over half an hour.

I guess from my blogs everyone can see I am still in the grief stage and finding it very hard to move on from here.  I just with he would understand. I have lost my life. The Nette everyone knew has died. She is no longer in this broken body.  All I am now is a wanter. I wan to be able to do something, anything, I dont care what. I want my life back. I want to not be in pain.  I want to be able to just 'pop' out. No have to have a military operation just to buy some milk.  I want 'ME' back.  I want the fun loving, outgoing, outspoken party girl back. Instead all that is left is a moaning old bint, whom never seems happy, is always harping on or crying.  This is not who I want to be.  I want to be able to say, I am going out with the lads, or if you dont want to go for dinner, I will go alone. I want to be able to go clothes shopping and carry a handbag.  I WANT TO BE INDEPENDENT AGAIN.

I desperately need to move on but do not know how.  I keep saying to myself this is my life now hoping that it will sink in and let me moves on. It does not though. All that happens is each time I say it to myself I feel an aching deep inside and feel sick.

If anyone has any idea how to accept my future please, please let me know as I cannot possibly carry on like this.  I know I need a support group or something where I can talk my feelings out as I cant do that with hubby as when I try, I see his eyes glaze over, he picks up his damn Iphone and its a case of here we go again, she is moaning again blah blah blah blah blah.  Even writing this I am crying.  I do not know who to turn to or where to go.  Last week I saw the Occupational therapist and felt so stupid.
She asked me a simple question "how do you really feel". That did it. She is the first person to ask and I broke down in tears. I mean really broke down. I spent the whole appointment crying like a baby.  I have to see her again this week so am going to find out if there are any support groups and if not if she can arrange for me to see someone to talk as I really feel like I am cracking up.

I only seem to blog when I am feeling really bad as on a good day I dont feel the need to.  I really feel for any new Fibromites who come across this blog as they will see how bad this illness can sometimes get and it may worry them, when in fact not everyone gets it this bad.  Some people function quite normally and just have a small manageable amount of pain and never need, braces, crutches, a wheelchair or a bum wiper.  For those who read this that do not have this but know someone who does, you may get a better insight into how it affects them.  They could be feeling exactly as I do but like me cant tell you.  It might make you realise that they really are feeling that much pain and just because you thought 'it cant be that bad' it really is.  Te person you know, is not making it up for sympathy. They really are in excruciating pain all the time, they really are so exhausted that sometimes they pee themselves a little as dont have the energy to get upstairs.  This is a condition that you cannot see but that the sufferer feels constantly, without reprieve and often it gets worse during a flare up.  Yes worse than it is already. Where the pain overtakes any pain killers a doc can give and where the sufferer prays to go to sleep and never wakes up.  I know I myself have prayed for that many a night.  That God would have just a little mercy and take me whilst I sleep (if I ever get to sleep that is).

Anyway I had better go as can no longer see my screen.