off work again

Oh God, I feel terrible today. Its half past 10 and I have just managed to get out of bed. On top of my condition I also have a cold which seems to have now turned into a chest infection. All I can say is I must have been a really evil person in my past life. Ghengis Khan springs to mind. Either that or him upstairs is having a bloody great laugh at my expense. This blog will take a little longer to write than normal as my fingers feel almost numb, tingly and it is like trying to type with balloons stuck on the ends of my wrist.
My darling Hubby is trying so hard to understand but he just cant. I can see the look on his face when I say I cannot possibly work today (I am self employed so its not a problem that way). Its a look that says I don't know why as you normally manage. Yeah right like I look suitable for my work. I am a full figured lingerie & fetish model. Try looking sexy when your whole body feels like lead, you have chronic shakes, cannot stop sweating (under lots of lights it is even worse). There is also no way on earth I could put my feet into 6 inch heels, lets alone manage to pull on an outfit made of PVC. Ok so mostly they have people to dress me but the thought of anyone touching my skin even makes me tremble in fear as even the softest touch feels as if someone has a blow torch against my skin.

Anyway, I made it to the sofa and took my pills. Hubby has gone to shop for bits I will need whilst he has gone and I thought I had better go online and sort out all my emails etc. I could not even read them as have really blurred vision so though I would blog instead.

Oh. I forgot to say what happened yesterday. I am so embarrassed and thankfully no one I know reads this so can put it. I wet myself. That's right you did read it correctly. I needed a pee and being the stubborn old bat I am, I decided I was going to use the toilet and tried to get upstairs quick enough but was in so much pain I did not quite make it in time. How bad is that. I can laugh now but I was so upset at the time and still have not told hubby.

I thought I had perhaps passed the grieving stage and was now at the anger stage but I was wrong. I am still grieving. I want the old me back. The one who worked every hour God sent, Who was always popping into town shopping, who loved her life and although hated it always made sure the house was clean, the girl that used to go out with the lads and be the life and soul. I cant even tolerate the smell of alcohol now let alone manage to go out.  Hubby took me clothes shopping the other day and I realised clothes shops are NOT designed for an electric wheelchair and after just one shop I was worn out and wanted to go home.

The only thing I still do the same is get my nails done. I do not feel human without them. I cant even get my hair done in a salon as it hurts to sit there for that long so I have took to just cutting my own fringe.

I am so bored. How do people voluntarily stay home and not work? Day 4 of daytime TV and I want to cut my own throat.
I know alot of people don't understand this condition and often say to me, "it must be great never having to clean u, do the washing, cook dinner etc and to be able to lounge on the sofa or in bed all day". If only they knew. Yes I am at the moment 'lounging' on the sofa. I cannot stay in one position for long as the pain gets so bad. Moving position causes even more pain. I cant get a drink when I am thirsty and pee myself trying to get to the loo. It is also great fun not being able to go to bed and sometimes having to sleep on a blow up bed in the lounge. brilliant, just what I always dreamed of. Idiots. Actually that is harsh, they are not idiots they just don't get it.
My sex life has all but disappeared as even a gentle hug is agony. 

I do still work if I have an easy job on that I will be capable of. Basically ones that are sitting or laying down. otherwise I am housebound. It is not a life as such anymore. The one thing I used to love to do in my spare time was read. I would read anything. Now I read part of a page and by the time I reach the bottom I have forgotten what I just read.

take aways are nice BUT who wants to have to eat them 5 days on the trot every fortnight as hubby is on late shift. I don't so last night I got son a takeaway and I went without food again.

I am going back to see the Doc to see if I can try Lyrica as so many others seem to find this works a little bit. He will probably say no though as I have to keep having blood tests as there seems to be something wrong with my kidneys and instead of telling me what is wrong they just send me for more tests. Arrghh!!!
Ah well that is my morning blog/rant finished for now. If anything interesting happens in the day, I will come back on and let you know.