This is reality now

It has been a few days since I blogged as I have been in awful pain. It has been so bad I have been sick with it. Unfortunately being sick means I could not keep my pills down which made the pain worse which in turn made me even sicker. This sounds awful but I truly did not want to wake up when I finally managed to drop off for a few minutes.
It suddenly dawned on me the other night, that this is forever. I knew it was but it had not sunk in. It finally did and I do have to say I am really down right now.

I have tried to be very upbeat about this condition and tried not to let it get to me, even my doc could not believe I still managed to keep my sense of humour. That all went in a single moment and I came crashing down with a big bang. I am at rock bottom and dont know where to go from here. Is this it??? Is this all there is now? Stuck indoors in constant pain. Not even being able to make myself anything to eat. I do not want to live like this. I have always tried to be a good person so have no idea why God has chosen me for this. I have literally had enough now.

I am on Amytriptiline that is supposed to stop depression but right now it is not working. I have never felt so low. I am crying but even that hurts as I have really bad dry eyes so they sting like hell.
There is no food in the house at all. I cant just pop out and get some. Hubby is at work until 10.45pm tonight so no chance he will be able to get any. The dog needs feeding but I cant manage it so have to hope my son will do it, if he ever gets out of bed. I have no one around me to help. I could probably go shopping as Asda have scooters I can use BUT I cannot walk the full length of the car park and I do not have a disabled badge yet so cannot park near the doors. So today is another day of not eating. I would not mind but I dont lose weight. I am not sure if it is the pills or what but I can go days without food and do not lose weight. All that happens is I feel weaker.

People dont understand either. They seem to think as I look ok and am 'ONLY' in pain I can still cook. I cant. I have tried but I cannot hold a saucepan even without anything in it my wrists to refuse and give way. I cant even lift the bloody kettle. I feel bloody useless to be honest. I cant manage the simplest things that last year I used to moan about having to do and now I am desperate to do them.

The house is a tip. It is dirty and messy, hubby tries but he works alot plus does all the cooking when he is here and needs some time to unwind. He doesnt think of the fact that I have no clean clothes at all. He washes his own stuff, my son washes his but no one thinks of mine. If I do manage to get dressed, I have to wear dirty clothes half the time as I cant manage to get it to the washing machine.

I am sick of having to ask him to help  me so have not had a shower for a week, my hair is thick with grease and I look awful. I could just curl up and die. It would be preferable to this. I need to fill in my disability forms but I cant write as holding a pen hurts too much. At least if I had that I could pay someone to come and do some house work and some shopping and maybe my washing etc. God it would be so nice to have clean underwear as not been able to wear any for over a week.

Talking of disability forms I do not know where to start. The thought of having to fight to get what I need is just too much. Why do they make it so hard for those that need it. My doc can vouch for how bad I am. How he is constantly upping my tablets. How I can barely walk a few feet. My physio is more than aware of how badly I am affected so why cant their word be enough. They know me, they know how I am affected. Some stranger talking to me for half an hour really is not going to be able to judge how my daily life is affected.

I have to have another trough crutch to help me around my home as with one I keep falling over. Outside waking is near impossible. I have no spatial awareness and trip over my crutches, and anything else that may be on the ground. I think things are further away than they are so kerbs, dips in the path etc cause me to end up on my backside or face. This is it. This is my life. From now on I have nothing much to look forward to except more pain, more dizziness, more shortness of breath, more falling over, more sickness, more and more nights of laying in agony hoping for some relief, a little sleep or a moment of no pain.

I dont feel as if I have a right to be here anymore. I am a drain on my family. I cannot do anything for them. My hubby tries to show he loves me but come one, no one wants to spend their live with a useless lump who cannot even do the simplest of things. This has stopped being a marriage and is now a one sided relationship where I give nothing but just seem to take and take. My son is becoming wild as I no longer have the energy to punish him when he has done something wrong.

I have lost my way. I have a big list of things that need doing but I cant do them and the ones I can do, I forget. I forget family members birthdays, so they then think I dont care, I forget to ring them, my daughter is 17 and lives 200 miles away and I forget to ring her. How she must hate me. My older sons never contact me and I keep meaning to ring and see how they and their kids are doing but then I forget straight away.
I want my family around me BUT I forget to contact them. How bad a mum am I.

So this is it. My life. Not much of one is it. Not one you would want to be part of. Even this has taken me 2hours to write as I cant type well anymore as my fingers hurt and my brain keeps forgetting what I want to write. If it doesnt make sense then sorry but I keep getting my words mixed up and although this has spell check it does not find missing words. I write in little blocks so I know what I have wrote and can check it all bit by bit.

I admire these people who just carry on laughing. I thought I could be like that too but I cant any longer. MY life as I knew it is over. This is the life I have now. A life of staring at the tv, wishing I would sleep and never wake up.
No dont worry I am not going to kill myself, although I would be lying if I said I had not thought about it but I would not do that to my family. I know they would be better off but they would end up blaming themselves, always wondering if they could have done something to help me more or make it easier for me. I would not do that to them. They deserve far more than that. They just dont deserve being lumbered with me.
It is hard to decide which is the lesser of two evils but this is what I chose. My son will be leaving home in a couple of years anyway and then I will ask social services if they can move me on so my darling husband has a chance to find someone who can be there for him for a change. He deserves to be happy.

Anyway, I am tired now so am going to go and try to get upstairs, if not I will try and rest on the sofa. I will try to write daily but it is hard as sometimes I forget the blog is here. It does help being able to get it out how I am feeling as I am not one for talking about emotions so this is my release. I apologise for being glum and depressive but it is how I feel right now.